Wanting
- What do I want?
- for the water not to feel greasy
- not to see the airport as i paddle
- or the trucks zipping down the highway
- or the cups floating, trailed by a shimmering ooze
- the tires washed up on the shore
- not to have to park in the parking deck
- to access the river
- to feel safe to dive in when its hot
- to feel strong and in unison
- at least briefly
- to listen to the gentle lapping
- a bird’s wings
- the rustle of wind
- to be able to hear these
- the paddle touching down
- beat
- beat
- beat
Attraction
- What pulls me closer?
- Or, in the company of what do I feel myself alive?
- What asks me to be touched?
- Or, what, in proximity, speaks to me through an energy I don’t understand
- Or I do understand but can’t translate directly into words
- How can I feel not alone when words fail more and more
- How can I feel alone when words are unnecessary?
- How do I sense the pull?
- Where in my body does it sit?
- I am trained…
- Am I trained to register the feeling
- any feeling
- first in my mind and then to ask where it originated?
- what is this strange phenomenon that is not all rational
- how do i root it out or describe it or define it or explain it
- from whence did it come
- this out of balanceness
- this uncontrollable uninvitedness
- is this ok, is this right, is this accepted
- listening to hear through a lifetime of noise
- i know distraction
- and repulsion
- but i don’t know
- or maybe what i call it
- maybe it begins with
- curiosity
- ok
- i can start there
Curiosity
- Washing the dishes I thought of another word:
- enthusiasm
- I forgot the word later
- but remembered what i was doing when it came to me
- standing, repetitive motion, the water flowing from the tap
- thinking of washing dishes, and of clarity, reminded me of yesterday
- trying to meditate, for five minutes only
- the noise noise noise
- and then in the shower later
- the flow of water moving across my skin
- what about this? i whispered
- i could hear
- in the shower, washing dishes
- how i love to walk in a summer thunderstorm
- even though i tell myself that i shouldn’t
- when i stop to ask my body what she wants
- almost every time she says, immediately, without pause:
- i am thirsty
- i’ve always taken it literally and gotten a drink
- maybe it is not to have water
- but to feel water
- to be water
- to be in the flow
- to be carried
- to float
Enthusiasm
- I feel enthusiasm for colors
- for the Farrow & Ball paint sample card I picked up at the paint store yesterday
- Colour by Nature in collaboration with the Natural History Museum
- Dutch Orange, like the common marigold or the crest of a golden crested wren
- Verdigris Green, like copper or a long-tailed green parrot
- Ultra marine Blue like lapis lazuli or a small blue heath butterfly’s upper wing
- Lake Red, Rose Officinalus
- Taken from Werner’s Nomenclature of Colours from 1814, an official classification of colour in nature in a pre-photographic age
- treasured by scientists and artists it says
- yes, of course
- what else?
- eager enjoyment, interest, or approval
- the smell of ginger and garlic cooking together
- (if you were here you would see me pausing, searching for something else)
- i enjoyed the feeling of the wind today
- i ate some chocolate, but not with enthusiasm
- no
- i felt often peaceful
- well, still enough
- i will look again tomorrow
Attention
- I tried to pay attention today
- To look for enthusiasm
- And curiosity
- I ate a plum that had been in the refrigerator, so it was cold
- I wondered, if you really tasted every plum, would every plum taste this good?
- No – that was an extra delicious cold and juicy plum
- i went downstairs to stretch
- i lay down and stretched my arms over my head
- i wondered if my body always feels uncomfortable, like it is in the wrong place at the wrong time
not doing something right or doing something wrong
wanting to be somewhere else or not wanting to be where it is - not always, i thought
- so as i stretched i followed every movement closely
- breathing into anything that felt
- talking gently to myself
- for those 10 minutes my body was at ease
- exactly where it was
- nothing right or wrong
- in time
Sensation
- I woke up yesterday morning with a feeling in my stomach
- No
- I woke up yesterday morning and I wondered what I was feeling
- I tried to give it a name
- in one word
- Sad? Scared?
- Wait, I said. Why do you think you are sad or scared?
- What if there is no strong emotion, right now but, instead, a sensation
- What is the sensation?
- What is your body noticing about itself, how could you describe it?
- Then I thought about noticing sensation separate to attaching any emotion to it
(i know that is what meditation is for, but this was my own body’s learning of a thing, not just my mind’s) - This morning when I woke up my poison ivy was itching
- sensation
- a few minutes later, it had faded
- so now i am paying attention to emotion and sensation separately
- maybe it is part of my body coming back to life
- more to life
- feeling invited
- awake to sensation, curious
Choosing
- It might not be time for this
- That is also a choice
- And not
- My brain is making choices before I am aware
- Who is? Based on what? Where is the mycelium and where is the story?
- Choosing to heal, to be part of healing, to restore and be restored
- Noticing what changes when I choose not to hide from what feels tough
- (sometimes)
- Noticing patterns of avoiding, noticing what is at the core
- Watching the show of me, listening to the concert of me (me?)
- And choosing
- What now?
- Sometimes the program beats me to choosing
- Sometimes I am afraid to get it wrong
- (that is part of the program)
- Sometimes I made a choice a long time ago
- Or I don’t recognize the choice I’m making
- See #14 again. And again. And again.
- There’s a lot I don’t get to choose
- But ending at 20 is the choice I’m making now
Hunger
- I said to Ajike that I wasn’t ready to go there
- but there i am going – she wrote desire
- warmer than wanting
- is attraction what calls to you from outside, or where you feel a charge, a magnetism
- that maybe is a signal from your insides, but in response to something external – two charges
- desire. Jennifer, are you using language as a way to hide?
- desire is not about definitions, philosophy
- hunger
- i often eat because i am uncomfortable, i want distraction or something doesn’t feel right
- that is not hunger, it is avoidance or self-soothing, or i eat because it is time to eat
- what sounds appealing? what are you hungry for?
- you can’t say a stable climate. that isn’t desire. that’s logic.
- i think this is true: to sit on a dock by a lake and feel the wind and it’s quiet and i feel safe being alone
- is that desire?
- i don’t know. i can think of things that bring pleasure and gratefulness.
- i like the smell of gardenias and i hope my figs are ripe soon. i will really really enjoy eating those.
- but i don’t desire them. i’m not hungry for them.
- there are some things i desire to be rid of
- i desire to have my piano fixed
- i’d like to finish reading my book
- or maybe i am mistaken
- maybe i am thinking desire needs to be reckless, impulsive, compulsive
- and maybe it’s not that at all
- maybe Ajike’s “calm steady sweetness” knows desire
- BREAKING NEWS
- Of course I had to go to the etymology
- “the original sense perhaps being “await what the stars will bring,” from the phrase de sidere
- it also means to long for
- maybe it is the place where you feel a knowing of yourself, enough, to ask the stars for something, to imagine a something they might bring, to call it into being
- what would you call into being, if you could?
- i desire to play the piano
- i desire to work for clean water, a vibrant, lush world
- i desire to spend time in the flow of creativity, to use words to find something, to see something new
- i desire color and texture and flavor
- i desire warmth and water and wind
- i desire companionship and community where I live
- i desire to celebrate life with my children
- okay, stars, i will take my steps
- and watch what unfolds
Returning
- There is the door
- Looking just the same as it did when you stepped away
- But you are not the same
- For better or worse, in sickness or in health, richer or poorer
- There is the handle
- It just needs to be turned, the lights are on inside
- But what will you say
- How will you describe the storm, or the flight of birds or the winds
- When you don’t want to
- When what you want is to sit inside
- Put your thoughts back in order
- Remember what it feels like
- Unsure of something
- Maybe it isn’t time to be here, at this door
- You are carrying your bag
- You’ve been carrying your bag
- It contains almost everything you need
- Almost
- Hand out, turning
- Walking in
Removing
- What is necessary
- What is
- here
- Nothing is necessary
- Unless (unless?)
- there is, before that,
- A purpose, an idea, a direction
- Re-moving, giving action and motion
- Clarifying and choosing
- And through the body
- This arm, this leg
- Casting a spell, calling forward
- Seeing clearly what is needed
- And releasing, not holding tight, letting go
- The future here will have its own direction
- And provenance
- Though sometimes, often, always
- there is attraction
- a whisper – you can hear it –
- but in a language you haven’t yet learned to understand
Home
- a place to sleep
- shelter
- a place to leave my bag – where i trust it will be there when I return
(what is in my bag?)
(what do i put in my bag) - something i’m doing, something i’m there to do
- other people to help/helping me/to laugh with/to sing, dance, play music, explore with
- a toothbrush and soap
- a notebook
- shoes
- a place to cook / a place to gather to eat
- a blanket
- a book i haven’t read yet
- a towel
- with luck some warm water
- a way to connect with loved ones far away
- salt and coffee (or tea)
Accumulation
Let me tell you the story
of what I have loved in my life
Let me sing it
many times
so that when I forget
when memory begins to fail
you can sing it back
and remember for me
with me
after me