Daniel said to close my eyes
I can’t remember what next, I was nervous
nervous to leave the predictable world
nervous that I’ll go somewhere that I can’t return from
and then he spoke in a calm voice
feeling myself sitting, feeling my legs, my feet
still my breath felt shallow, tight
he mentioned the core of the earth
iron crystal
and a space there for me
do i believe that, i wondered
i want to
my feet, rooted, rooting
and the shape of a tree
and growing roots to take in water
and shedding roots later
and the earth providing for me
just like a tree
and he said the redwoods have shallow roots
and i was listening with my whole body
the redwoods
their roots are intertwined with one another
it is the system of roots, the connections
I can nurture and be nurtured I thought
He drew my attention to the column of energy
moving through my core
and I could feel it
the energy flowing from the earth
into me and through this column
letting go, moving, what was ready to be released
please let it be released
i thought
i am ready to let it go
bring your attention to your pelvis
he said
my hips, where there is tightness
i tried to feel
as a woman, this is the seat of your power
the source of your feminine energy
imagine your feminine self projected
from this center
what does she look like?
what does she feel like?
I didn’t see anything
feel anything
I’m looking but she’s not there
I can’t conjure
any clues
And now feel your heart,
again tightness
in a woman this is the source of your masculine energy
that protects you
it wants to keep your feminine safe
I don’t know what he said next
I could feel the power of my masculine
the grip
the need to protect
the need to cover
the need to conceal
and all of the tasking and solving
What does he look like?
Daniel asked.
What is he wearing?
This jacket, I thought.
These safe, practical clothes, I thought.
These glasses that hide my face.
These two support one another
But he won’t let her out
She wasn’t safe
And when I tried to see the feminine
I could see what she isn’t
She isn’t on Instagram
and she isn’t painted
She isn’t constricted one way
or another
She has a wildness
I know that – now –
Daniel said: these two work together
they meet one another
in a marriage
He said men, in traditional cultures
protect, they go out and gather the resource
the women transform that resource
and this was the moment
I could feel her
my feminine
transform the resource
that’s what I’m here for
to play with resource
to look at what is and create
to turn resource
into celebration
i could feel the tears then
the resonance
and now i can see
the task
to see her
to let her be seen
all of the tightness was gone
my voice was deeper
my own voice
my comfortable voice
my singing voice
my voice